motherhood–a realization

Louisa slept in her own room for the first time last night.

It’s taken me awhile to get to the point where I’m ready to have her in there and not in her sleeper next to my bed. We’ve been discussing it for over a month. Chris has actually been suggesting it for even longer, but I kept telling him I wasn’t ready and that the AAP recommends keeping infants in your room until 6 months of age. She’s not yet 5 months, but I there was a part of me that knew it was time. The part that understood my husband and I would sleep better, and that Louisa would probably sleep better too. And so after each discussion, Chris would smile and shake his head. He saw me those first few nights at home sleeping with my hand on Louisa’s belly or feet, so he knew that it might take this mama a little while longer to let go.

Last weekend, we finally finished decorating her room (she couldn’t start sleeping in there until it was done!)–we hung the shelves and the pictures and all that’s left is moving the rocker back in.

Yesterday, before Chris headed to work, we were discussing it again. “It’d be good for us,” he pointed out.

“But the AAP says…” I argued back.

“Yes, I’m sure they do, but she’d be fine. It’s up to you, though. Do it when you’re ready,” he relented.

And then bedtime came last night, and I looked down at my little girl as I dressed her in her 6-9 month sized pajamas, and thought that maybe he was right. So I quickly moved the monitor and sound machine into the nursery.

After we finished her bedtime routine of singing and nursing, kissing her and laying her down in the crib, I slowed backed out of the room and closed the door. I turned on the monitor and watched as she played with her feet and whimpered a little, before settling in and falling asleep with one little hand tucked under her head.

The pride I felt (that my baby girl fell asleep on her own in her own room) was mixed with heartbreak (she didn’t need me)…and as I sat there watching her on the monitor, I realized that my life from now on will be filled up by moments like this.