Not quite ready…

Every so often, I find myself opening the calendar on my phone and counting the weeks left until I return to work. The count (now a little less than 4) is still reassuring–there is so much Louisa and I can do between now and then. I feel like I’m trying to squeeze as much as I can in to these precious weeks with my girl: meet other new mamas, get outside for walks, go apple and pumpkin picking, cuddle on the couch on gray, dreary mornings like today…

However, sometimes, the anxiety rises when I realize we’ve just had a regular, ho-hum sort of day. I don’t want to waste one moment, but I have–we watched tv or I’ve spent an entire day doing laundry and errands. I remind myself that those things are also part of our life together…that we’ll have lazy days and busy days, and I need to enjoy them all. I remind myself of my friends and colleagues who work full-time and have amazing relationships with their children. I remind myself that I’ll be with her every morning and evening and all weekend long. The worries surface again, though, when I think of the days when she’ll be with my husband and I’ll be at work. Will her face still light up when she sees me each morning? Will I still be able to nurse her? Will we still have time together as her bedtime gets earlier and I have late nights at work?

But, today, as I sit here typing this and watching her sleep with her long fingers wrapped around her blanket, I know I need to shake off those worries and just enjoy each moment. Even the laundry (filled with her little clothes and diapers and blankets) is just another part of this new wonderful life I have as her mama…

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One thought on “Not quite ready…

  1. A couple months remain before I will return to work, but I’m already starting to feel the tug of worries. How do other teachers at work have these amazing relationships with their children at work at their children at home? Cherishing those moments, all of them, is so important to enjoying motherhood. What you say about Louisa reminds me to slow down a bit and relish in these small moments that actually make my whole world more beautiful. As I type, I’m watching Magnolia stretch out her long arms while she sleeps and I’m hearing my little Zellam chirp as he finds his next restful position. All the while, I’m breathing deeply and growing thankful of this moment. It’s comforting knowing that mothers like you are slowing down a bit doing this too 🙂

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